Music Jokes.  A compilation from many sources.  Just stay away from the Clarinet jokes!

 

Clarinet Jokes

 

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"

Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?

Cut the noose.

What’s the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the chalkboard?

Vibrato.

What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?

Put it in a clarinet case.

Why do clarinetists place their case on the dashboard?

So they can park in handicapped spaces.

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?

They don’t know when to enter and what key to use.

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?

Of course, but only if the cat’s in good health.

What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?

Miss a lot of notes.

What’s the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?

You can’t hear a mouse squeak over the entire band.

How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?

You can almost hear them.

How do you get the clarinet player to play louder?

You can’t.

How do you know when a clarinetist has died?

The concertmaster moves them back a chair.

What uses do clarinets and saxophones have in hospitals?

The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients.

A man walked into a butcher shop looking for some brains for dinner.  He looked at the selections:

 

Trumpet Brains, $1.00 a pound.

Trombone Brains, $5.00 a pound.

Tuba Brains, $10.00 a pound

 

Then he saw a sign that read - Clarinet Brains, $100.00 a pound. He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. 

The butcher replied, “Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”

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Saxophone Jokes

 

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

1.      Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

2.      You can tune a lawnmower

3.      The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

4.      Vibrato.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?

Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Kenny G gets on an elevator and says “Wow!  This Rocks!!!”

What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How do you define a perfect pitch?

Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet without hitting the rim.

What’s the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Why did the lead alto sax player play so many wrong notes?

He kept ignoring the key signature.  He thought it was a suggestion.

How many C Melody sax players can you fit in a phone booth?

All of them.

If lost in the woods, whom would you ask for directions?

·        An in-tune tenor sax player

·        An out-of-tune tenor sax player

·        Santa Claus

The answer is: The out-of-tune tenor sax player.  The other two indicate that you’re hallucinating.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

1.      The exhaust

2.      Vibrato

3.      It’s all in the grip.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?

Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

You may be a redneck saxophonist if….

1.      You have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.

2.      You spell it “saxaphone”.

3.      You think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.

4.      The gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buescher sopranos.

5.      You think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.

How do you tune five saxophones?

You shoot four.

How are a saxophone and guillotine similar?

They are both lethal, always sharp, and work best when dropped from high places.

What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?

People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Why did Adolphe Sax invent the saxophone?

He hated mankind, but couldn’t build an atom bomb.

Is the saxophone a woodwind or brass instrument?

Yes it is.

The reason why so many weird noises come out of the saxophone is because Adolphe Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them.  Contrary to popular believe the saxophone was invented as a percussion instrument meant to be beaten by hammers… very large hammers.

What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?

Four – one to change the tire; one to work the jack; and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.

What’s the difference between a tenor sax player and a macaw?

One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.

 A saxophone is like a lawsuit.

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

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Trumpet Jokes

 

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

2.      Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.

3.      None, because the world revolves around them!

4.      Five.  One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louis Armstrong would have done it.

5.      Never mind – They can fake the changes.

6.      None.  They can’t reach that high.

7.      None.  They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player changes it for them.

8.      What’s a light bulb?

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don't know either.

What are trumpets made out of?

Leftover saxophone parts.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?

Seven, if you lay them out correctly.

What’s the range of a solo trumpet player?

About 40 yards if it’s a “super-light” model.

How can you tell if a trumpet player is knocking at your door?

The knock speeds up.

How can you tell a trumpet player’s kids are at a playground?

They don’t know how to swing.

Four trumpet players are in a mini-van when it drives off a cliff.  The tragedy is that you can fit eight trumpet players in a mini-van.

Berl:    “Mom… I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up.”

Mom:  “But Berl, you can’t do both.”

Berl:    “Mom…. Why do you always stand by the window when I practice my trumpet?”

Mom   “I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m employing corporal punishment, dear.”

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and a puppy?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?

Write mp on the chart.

What’s the difference between a jet aircraft and a trumpet?

About three decibels.

What is the first thing a trumpet player says at work?

“Would you like fries with that order?”

How are trumpet players like pirates?

They’re both murder on the high C’s.

What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?

Gifted!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the trumpet player.

What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What’s the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?

Vibrato... though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?

The doorbell shrieks!

What do you do when a trumpet player knocks at your door?

Give him the money and take the pizza.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

He's too sensitive.

“There are two sides to a trumpeter’s personality…

…there is the one that lives only to lay waste to the woodwinds and strings, leaving them lying blue and lifeless along the swath of destruction that is a trumpeter’s fury;

…then there is the dark side.”

--- Michael Stewart, DMA

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Trombone Jokes

 

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      One, but he’ll spend a half-hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

2.      One, but he’ll do it too loudly.

What’s another term for “trombone”?

1.      A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

2.      A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for gigs?

Year-at-a-Glance

What's the difference between a trombone and a chain saw?

It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

What’s the difference between a trombone and a weed-eater?

Your neighbor will get angry if you don’t return the weed-eater.

What’s the difference between a trombone and a lawn mower?

It’s easier to find work in the summer with a lawn mower.

How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?

1.      Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

2.      Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

What did Captian Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?

“Computer… end program.”

 

Webmaster's note: Wasn't William T Riker (Number 2) a trombonist?

How do you save a trombonist from drowning?

Take your foot off of their head.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?

An optimist.

Why is a dead snake on the road more tragic than a dead trombonist on the road?

1.      The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

2.      There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Old proverb:  The best trombones are those that are broken.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.

What do you call a trombone player on the street?

A drifter.

What is the difference between a frog driving a car and a trombonist driving a car?

The frog may be on his way to a gig.

A guy walks up to a band director and inquires about joining the band.

The director says, “Sure, you may join the trombone section.”

The guy replies, “But I don’t play the trombone!”

“Well”, the director replies, “Neither does anyone in our trombone section!”

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

An optimist.

What did the trombonist get on his IQ test?

Drool.

What’s the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?

A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Why do people play the trombone?

Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.

How many lessons does it take to teach a beginning trombonist to play a note?

Two.  One to learn how to put the horn together and the second to learn how to blow into it.

What do four trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?

A good idea!

How can you tell a trombone player’s kid is at a playground?

He can’t swing and always complains about the slide.

 

Band Evolution (Source unknown)

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

“On” and “Off”.

What is a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play a trombone, but doesn’t.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?

His hat says "Joe's Pizza".

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?

Take the "Joe's Pizza" sign off the roof.

How do you get the trombonist off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What’s another term for a trombone?

A wind driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What’s the difference between a trombone section and a saxophone section?

The trombones weren’t meant to sound like two cats in a fight.

What do you call a beautiful women on a trombonist’s arm?

A tattoo.

How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?

One… if you spread him really thin.

A missionary on a very important trip in the depths of the jungles of the Congo comes upon a lost civilization, which strangely has a deep connection with music.  Everywhere he went, he heard in the distance the constant beat of drums.  He decides to try and convert these people, but the first thing he had to do was learn their language.  After three years, he finally deciphers the language.

 

He approaches the chief and asks, “Great Chief, everywhere I go I hear drum beats.  Why do you constantly play the drums?

The Great Chief replies, “If drums stop, terrible disaster occur.”

The missionary, somewhat puzzled asks, “Do you think there will be a flood, an earthquake, disease or famine?”

The Great Chief shakes his head and sadly says, “Even worse.  If drums ever stop, big trombone solo!”

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

 

(Source unknown)

 

Webmaster’s note: If you can’t trust Honest Abe, then who can you trust?

 

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Tuba Jokes

 

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      Five.  One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and three to drink until the room spins.

2.      Five.  One to change the bulb and the other four to complain how high it is.

3.      Five.  One to change the bulb and four to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.                  

 

Webmaster’s note: This is “Chop’s” most used joke!!!

What's the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How do you tune two tubas?

You shoot one.

What's a tuba for?

1-1/2" by 3-1/2" unless you request, "full cut."

How do a tuba player’s brain cell die?

Alone.

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?

            He’s low in character, below the staff, and spends too much time resting.

Why are tubas like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out-of cars.

What do you call a tuba when it falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?

A-flat minor.

What do you call a tuba when it falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?

A-flat major.

One week after moving into his first apartment, Curly called his mother to complain about his neighbors.

He explains: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's this guy that keeps banging his head against the wall." 
"You better keep away from them," she said. 
"I do. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

What is black and brown and looks great on a tuba player?

A Doberman.

Why did the tuba player switch to drums?

He couldn’t read the music.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...  Well, it could happen!

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Bass Jokes

 

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      None.  The piano player can do that with his left hand.

2.      None.  They’re too cool to change it.

3.      One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

4.      Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

5.      1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?

Put a chart in front of him.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

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Piano Jokes

 

How many piano players does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?

So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?

Start with two million dollars.

Why did they say that the pianist’s had fingers like lightning?

They never struck the same place twice.

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a piano player?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

Imagine a singer, piano player, bass player, and drummer sitting around a table.  Now, if you drop a $100.00 bill right in the middle and tell them it’s free to take it, who will end up with it?

The piano player will.  The bass player is too slow; for the singer it’s too little money; and the drummer never got the assignment.

The audience at a piano recital was appalled when a telephone rang just off stage.  Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

The piano is celebrating its 300th anniversary.  It’s also the anniversary of the phrase “But I don’t want to practice!”

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Percussionist Jokes

 

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like, dark, man?"

2.      Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

3.      Two.  One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

4.      Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

5.      None. They have a machine that does that now.

Why are intermissions limited to 15 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

How do you know when a drum solo is really bad?

The bass player notices.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock keeps speeding up and slowing down.

Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?

They never know when to come in.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.

What do you call a drummer without a band?

A Soundman.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?

So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Why do drummers have pea-sized brains?

Alcohol makes the brain swell

What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around your back yard?

Stop laughing and shoot again.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

What’s the last thing a drummer says before being kicked out of a band?

“When do we get to play MY songs!”

“Hey Buddy… How late does the band play?”

“About half-a-beat behind the drummer.”

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The storeowner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

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Banjo Jokes

 

How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      Five.  One to screw it in and four to complain it’s electric.

2.      Two, but they both argue on how much it costs.

3.      None.  They just talk about how Earl would have done it.

4.      100.  One to change it and the other 99 to make stupid jokes about it.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

How is playing the banjo so much like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don’t have to be very good to catch people’s attention.

What’s the difference between an anchor and a banjo?

You tie a rope onto the anchor before you throw it overboard.

So, why do so many fisherman own banjos?

They make great anchors.

You can tune a banjo, but how do you tuna fish?

By adjusting its scales.

What is the best way to tune a banjo?

Use wire cutters.

What do you call 25 banjo players covered to their neck with sand?

Not enough sand.

How many banjo players does it take to eat opossum?

Two.  One to eat it and the other to watch for cars.

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?

They make great paddles.

What’s the difference between an Uzi submachine gun and a banjo?

The Uzi only repeats 40 times.

What will you never say about a banjo player?

"That’s the banjo player’s Porsche!’

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise?"

How can you tell the difference between all those banjo songs?

By their names.

Why do people dislike a banjo right off?

Saves time.

How can you tell if there is a banjo player at your door?

They can’t find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don’t know when to come in.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

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Guitar Jokes

 

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

In the 23rd and half century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?

Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

Both suck when you plug them in.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

None--they just steal somebody else's light.

How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?

1.      Have them play in unison.

2.      Have them read off the same part.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two cords?

A music critic.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?

Solitaire.

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Musician Jokes

 

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty.  One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Have you heard about the musician who left a note for his wife:

Gone Chopin, [have Liszt], Bach in a Minuet.

Why did the police arrest the musician?

He got into treble.

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?

The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

The stages of a musician's life:

1.      Who is name?

2.      Get me name.

3.      Get me someone who sounds like name.

4.      Get me a young name.

5.      Who is name?

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan.

"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still was checking ID's when he asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!"

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

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